The Man And Marin Fired

In a shocking turn of events, it appears that The Most Interesting Man in the World is actually not very interesting at all. In truth, he is American actor Jonathan Goldsmith. To further this atrocity, his speaking voice was dubbed over by the voice of another American actor, Will Lyman. This is a breach of contract, and because of the Zero Tolerance clause in each and every Wetbacks contract, Goldsmith has been removed from the team. Since Lyman was never officially employed by New Sasabe, there cannot be a employment release process, however Mr. Lyman has been charged with Accessory to Fraudulently Speak Like Someone Else. Litigation against Goldsmith will be forthcoming.

And the shocks do not end there. Head coach Cheech Marin has been implicated in a frozen-burrito scam with the so-called Burrito King of Connecticut, russian-immigrant Yuri Kolpakov (Department H, enyone?). Marin reportedly used Wetbacks vehicles to import frozen burritos from the Mamacita Burrito Factory in New Sasabe to a chain of Kolpakov-owned buffet style restraunts, Yuri's Yummies.

Usually, transport of food items across international borders is not an issue, as long as customs practices are followed. In this case, however, it has been found that Marin used Wetbacks personnel as "donkeys" to get the items to and from, bypassing all US and Mexico customs laws. The Carne Corridors, the moniker that has been tagged to the multiple tunnels leading from Mexico to the US, have been found up and down the US/Mexixco border.

Marin received approximately 18.5 pesos ($1.50 USD) on the burrito, with the total amount being well above 3 million USD (37,350,000 MXN). Reports are that the reason Marin was such a proponent for the relocation of the Wetbacks franchise to New Sasabe was to begin his illegal behind-the-scenes Hispanic foods venture.

Marin has been arrested by Mexican officials, even though he states, 'I was born in East L.A." Kolpakov has fled to his native Lithuania, and has since disappeared.

"This is an embarrassing sequence of events for the New Sasabe Wetbacks organization," said Information Minister Ron Jeremy, "especially in light of the lackluster season we are experiencing here in New Sasabe." Jeremy went on to say, "Effective now, I will be taking over all football operations, as well as handling Head Coach duties."

"David "Coyote" Farragut is still, and will always remain, owner," Coach Jeremy continued, "Mr. Farragut and I have carefully planned this change so there will not be a noticeable change for our dozens and dozens of fans."

In this reporter's opinion, there better be a noticeable change in game play from here on out. Going from DFL Champs to barely treading water with Jackstomp is not a way to endear fans.